Pride in My Heart

I've leaned so much about pride the past few weeks.
I am really such a prideful person; it really is quite disgusting. I want everything to be perfect, even in my drabblings and musings here...I can't have a single mispelling, even in the word "mispelling". It seems as if everything I do has to reflect tons about who I am. I know that subconsciously and consiously, all that I do is to make sure that I look good. I claim that it is so God will get the glory, but in thinking over it, I don't really think that's the case.

I am a proud person.

There. I said it. It's frustrating to even admit that. :{ I don't want to be. I hate even looking at it.

But, I think it's the truth. I'm stuck on myself. I think my desire to write stems from a source of pride. I want people to read my stuff; I want peope to be influenced by what I think and say. The desire, the motivation, is wrong, or tends to be, at least. I want God to use me in great ways, but that's just it: I want Him to use me. I think way too much of myself. I should instead be saying, "LORD, how can You use me? I'm wretched and I don't deserve Your mercy!"

Please, LORD God, help me to be the humble Christian You call us all to be. Make me to see how weak and frail and undeserving I am, and how little I of myself have to offer. Even my writing needs to be seen as a gift from You, not something of my own making or working. Please, LORD, help me to understand what it is You desire of me, no matter what I have to sacrifice to please You. Please, God, make me as Your humble Son. Show me more of You and more of what it means to be Your servant. Help me to deny myself, take up my cross [daily] and follow You, in loving obedience and humility. Amen, LORD God. May it be.

How Can We Call This Living?

This is an adaption from a journal entry written on Monday, April 16th, 2007--the day of the Virginia Tech shooting.

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4.16.06
Leaning back against the van seat, I put my arm behind my head and rested it. Miles of scenery passed by me outside the vehicle window. This was comfortable.

To enjoy such relaxation is often the envy and desire of this world. "Oh, if only we could just relax and live." We have a notion in the back of our minds that we really are living when we are free from concern--free from physical and mental burden. Yet, as I leaned back in my amiable seat, the thought crossed my mind: how can we call this living? I think of the biographies I've been reading. Men such as brother Andrew, whose life mission was to carry the gospel of Christ into Communist countries. I doubt his life was free from concern. I doubt that his life was easy. But as I read his biography, I know he lived. Men such as Hudson Taylor--he too risked all comfort to carry the gospel to those who didn't know Christ. Hudson was often sick, but he carried on. These men really lived. I don't doubt that these men's lives were hard, both mentally or physically. Yet, they lived to show Christ; they lived to rescue lives, comfort hearts, and save souls. These men are my heroes.

This morning, 32 people were killed. A gunman released an odor of death across the campus of Virginia Tech College. I am stunned. I watch the news, and then in my awkwardness I tell my TeenPact host family, "I think I'm going to lay down and rest a bit." Lay down and rest? How can we call this living? How can we be content to lay back while the world around is being torn --hearts across America are being shattered with grief as they learn of the massacre of their loved ones. People were killed today, and I am resting. How can I call this living?

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Edit: After a few questions from a friend, I should clarify this post. My intentions and heart of the above thoughts were not to promote restlessness about the condition of the world around us. If read wrongly, this post may have come across as advocating 'worry'. That's not what I meant to imply in any way. As Christians, we should rest in hope of God and have an incredible peace in Him.

What I was trying to communicate was that we should be concerned about those around us--we shouldn't be content to just sit back and 'relax' while we still have time to share the gospel of Jesus Christ.

A Personal Psalm

To every child of God who feels that Life is sometimes too great a challenge: May you find God's peace to be all that you need.

Even when I feel too drained and mentally exhausted to tackle one more thing, my Father is still there beside me, holding my hand and showing His mercy. I can't feel Him, I can't see Him, but I know He is there, helping me get through another day.

I feel so bewildered, not wanting or caring about anything in the world right now. I don't want anything to happen today; I don't even want to do anything today, except find comfort for my downtrodden soul. Where can I find that comfort, that peace that my heart so desperately needs?

Turning to the Word of God, I find my Heavenly Father. He knows my frame...He remembers I am but dust. He knows my sorrows and fears, my discomforts and my unfulfilled dreams; He knows how I can best please Him, and how to reveal His ways to me. He knows every hair on my head, every beat of my heart; He can and will lead me to the Farther Shore. How can I find anything but comfort in His presence?

Oh Lord, help me to place my hope and trust in You; be my confidence and my steadfast aid, my shield, and the one in whom I delight. Show me Your unquencheable love; grant me Your peace which does surpass all understanding. Bestow it to all of Your children who need Your comfort this day. Show us Your loving kindness, and renew our hearts in love to You. Be our precious Shepherd, and lead us by Your grace to Your kingdom. Amen